Saturday, December 29, 2012

Thoughts on life, love, and happiness

I have no idea who really reads this blog, and I really don't care.  I always convince myself that I shouldn't post about something because I don't want people in my real life to know all my business, but I need to remind myself that no one I actually associate with reads this blog, and if they did, why am I so ashamed to hide my feelings?  I'm actually not, so I don't know why I don't write about them more often.

So.... love.  What a powerful word.  And, in turn a powerful emotion.  I have been extremely blessed to have so many people in my life who surround me with love.  I thought I felt in once in high school, and again towards the end of high school and into college.  These are the stories of both.  With the Symphony, we had to attend a camp in August, at a nearby college.  We basically did nothing but eat, sleep, and rehearse.  This particular story starts at summer camp of '08.  I had already been in it for a year, and so I knew who was supposed to be there from the previous year, and who I had already made great friendships with.  I had a best friend in the symphony, A, and we were probably the most obnoxious members in the whole thing.  We did nothing but talk and laugh and joke, but I will never forget that girl for my whole life.  I think they kept us in the back of the section, because they knew that's all we would do.  She always was seated near me.  They made us stand partners one time and decided that was a terrible idea.  Well, at camp she was close, because at our first rehearsal of the whole camp I leaned over and was like "Oh my god, look at that new bass player.  He's the hottest guy I've seen in my whole life.  I have to meet him."  (or something along those lines)  She replied something like, "How can you even know that? You can't even really see him from way over here (we were on complete opposite sides of the stage)."  So, I drug her back out the door on the other side, where thankfully our cases were, because "we forgot something."  She was wrong, and I was right he was the hottest boy I had ever seen.  She still didn't agree, but we didn't have the same taste in boys, and I really didn't care, because that meant one less person to compete with to talk to him.  All she had to say was, "He's like a whole foot taller than you, how will you ever kiss him?  That will never work."  I replied, with, "It'll work somehow."  Again, she was wrong, I was right.  But, that's later in the story.  During our first break, somehow he was standing near me in the hall talking to people he knew from high school, and I just kept looking at him, and he kept looking at me.  And we somehow ended up introducing ourselves, and then we discovered that we were both from the same county.  (Which is very rare considering this symphony is 2 counties away.)  I also found out that his dad owned a very successful car dealership.  Well, we basically spent every free moment together during camp.  We had our first kiss in the laundry room, in the basement of a dorm, at a college, in South Carolina.  It was perfect.  We watched a sunrise together, that really wasn't that impressive.  I was completely falling for this boy.

The best part was that we could also see each other when we got home.  Although, we went to rival high schools.  It really meant nothing to me.  We started dating when we got home, and it really was wonderful.  He took me to rehearsal every Monday.  He bought me dinner every Monday.  We spent 3 hours together, just staring at each other at rehearsal every Monday of every week.  I talked him into DJ'ing a birthday party for my friend, and I think he still hates me for that one to this day.  Somewhere around November, I was looking at colleges, and he was still in high school.  (He was a year younger than me)  We were just at two different places in life.  He didn't understand what I was going through, and I didn't understand why he didn't understand.  It was a mutual parting, and there were absolutely no hard feelings.  I loved him and he loved me, but we just weren't right at the time.  We promised we would try again later, if life brought us back together.  We continued to be friends, and got along great.

Fast forward: to New Year's Eve of my senior year in high school.  We always had a New Year's Eve party at my church, and I always went.  This particular year one of my best friends brought a boy.  Well, she brought him and left him in a corner.  She was always the jealous type, so I knew I couldn't go over and talk to him, so I just admired from afar.  He was interesting to say the least.  I felt like he had this huge life story, and no one had ever asked him to share it.  I wanted desperately to know everything about him, but I didn't even say hello.  A few weeks later, my bestfriend who was also at the party because we go to church together messaged me on Facebook and said message S, the boy C, brought to that New Years Eve party.  He's telling me he can't do anything with me because I'm too young, but C is a year younger than me so how am I too young.  So I messaged him, and he was like no you're not too young but the other two definitely are.  Well we kept talking, and I found out he went to State, which was one of the colleges on my list, and my mom had been urging me to go visit forever.  I really didn't want to, because I really wanted to go to UGA, but after talking to him all I could think about was going on a visit.  I did go for a visit in late February, and it was perfect.  We went to a seminar, and I didn't sign up for the formal campus tour.  I wanted him to show me around.  He was at breakfast when we got out of our seminar, and my mom got mad.  So she sat in the car, while he took me around campus.  It had to be a few hours, but that's what she wanted.  It was perfect to walk around campus with him.  Somewhere along the way we started holding hands, and at the end he took me to see his dorm room.  He lived in the "special" dorm on campus.  The one that was on campus, but not owned by the school.  You had to pay extra to live there.  He came home a week later for spring break, and drove to my house three days in a row in the snow, just to see me.  That's when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

After that, he went back to school, and we tried to find a rhythm that worked for us.  Neither of us had even thought about having a long distance relationship, so it was all brand new to both of us.  We made it though, and he came home in May on summer break.  We basically had a great relationship.  We loved each other through it all, and couldn't get enough.  I had committed to State, and we went back together.  I had an absolutely terrible roommate, so I spent 5 out of 7 nights a week with him.  We just had so much fun just being in each other's company.  We had our share of fights, but what relationship doesn't?  Towards Christmas, we fought more than not.  We were just in a weird place.  His grades weren't good, and I'd never made a C in my life so I didn't understand.  His parents were always nagging him about something, and mine about something else.  We made it through Christmas, and went back to school in January.

Martin Luther King Jr. day. January 18th, 2010.  As long as I live, no matter who I'm with, that day will always stick out in my mind.  He came to my dorm room with a bag of my stuff and told me we were over.  We were together the night before.  He had a headache, and asked me to go back to my room so he could try to sleep it off.  He drove me back.  I did not understand where this was coming from.  At all.  I was so shocked.  And upset.  I was just screaming.  My whole suite heard it.  Evidently I punched him in the face, and some other places, but to this day I have no recollection of any of that.  He left.  I had no idea how to be at State without him.  I didn't know how to not go to his apartment after class.  I didn't know how to go to the dining hall without him.  I honestly had no friends, and it was my own fault for being so completely consumed with him that I didn't make any.  I just cried for days.  I was depressed.  I didn't know what it was at the time, but looking back on it, I was definitely depressed.  I used any excuse I could to see him.  We passed each other twice a week on my way to English class.  I would work for an hour and a half to look my best for him just for that thirty second passing.  I was in a terrible place, and had no idea how to get out of it.  The only thing I knew to do was turn to God.  I was closer to God in those four months than I have been in my whole life.  I read all of Proverbs, and then started reading different verses that stuck out to me.

I made friends, I moved on.  I made it.  I thought he was the one, but he's not.  We've tried to make any kind of relationship work in the time since we ended our relationship first.  It's never worked.  I'm done trying.  He left State, because he didn't have the grades to stay and I graduated before him.  He was supposed to graduate from community college this month, but I have no idea if he did.  Like I said we're done.  There's nothing left there to try for.

But, this story isn't over, and I'm sure it has a happy ending.  Since my diagnosis with endometriosis, I've been thinking about love and the future more than ever.  I know it will all happen in God's good timing, I just hope it's sooner rather than later, because my body can't take this pain forever.  I'm supposed to be moving swiftly toward the family path.

Back to the story of now.  Remember C?  From camp?  The one who wasn't right at that time?  Yeah.  Well about a month ago, he texted me saying he wanted to hang out during his Christmas break, and he didn't have to ask permission anymore cause he was single.  This one threw me for a loop literally.  I thought the girl he was with was perfect for him.  She was beautiful, classy, and every bit of the woman he deserved.  Or so I thought.  Come to find out, she is not that person.  I don't know her, so I can't speak too bad of her, but from what he has told me, I don't like her because she has hurt him so much.  He definitely has a long way to go to get to a place where he can accept another relationship, but who else do I have in line?  It's nice to have someone to talk to, and I'm really starting to like the idea of a future with him.  Right now, he's in Haiti, on a mission trip, and I was prepared for a period of time with no communication.  I never even asked him how long he'd be there, so I would be surprised when he texted me when he got back.  He just left today, and I definitely missed talking to him throughout the day.  I would find myself thinking about him, and just hoping he was safe.  While I was sitting on the couch with my mom, I got a facebook message from him that said email me I have wifi.  I immediately emailed him a short message saying I hoped he was having a good time, and that I had missed talking to him.  His response was more information I ever thought I'd get out of him in a lifetime.  I guess this trip to Haiti is doing something good in him already.  I just hope he comes back with a clearer mind, and more clarity about the future.  I'm willing to wait however long it takes, as long as he keeps proving he's still worth it.  I guess we will see how the rest of his Haiti trip goes.  I believe he went to bed now, but tomorrow is a new day, and I am so excited to see it appear.

I have more thoughts about love, but those will have to wait because I have church in the morning, and I have to play during service.


Friday, December 21, 2012


Lots of changes are happening in my life lately. I've added a second job doing billing at a law office two days a week. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I really love being there and I love the people that work there, but by the time I get off at Holy Angels I'm exhausted and I usually don't feel good, so I don't feel like going. But, I'm hoping that will get better.

When I switched birth controls in August, I went to Seasonale. Which was a 3 month birth control, with 7 days of inactive pills in between. Well, since the switch I've noticed I've been having at least 2 migraines a week, and they're starting to become life altering. I've had headaches for many years, but these are just awful. They also affect my vision. I have a hard time focusing on things when I have a headache or am about to get one. And to me it seems to be only affecting my vision in my left eye, but that could be because I've been blind in my right eye my whole entire life, and have no idea whether it is focused or not. I've ignored that eye for my whole life, because it doesn't work. So, I also have had increasing chest pain, but the doctor seems to think that is anxiety that could be a result of the added estrogen.

So, we've decided to try a round of the depo shot. I got it last Thursday, and its been interesting to say the least.  He told me that it would make me gain 5 pounds a year cause it would stimulate my appetite. Well, I have absolutely NO appetite except for a strange craving for Bojangles country ham biscuits, which I barely eat the whole thing. I've lost at least 7 pounds since last week. I also am having increasing lymph node pain, but I'm thinking that is just gonna go away once I adjust to the different hormones. I don't do shots well, but I'm willing to try it if it can keep the pain away.

Meanwhile, I'm on the husband hunt on a speedy time frame (haha just kidding but not really). There are some changed in my love life, but I'm not ready to talk about it till I know what's happening, and where/if its headed anywhere.

Sorry I've still been kinda MIA (I'm working on it)
Just never feel like I have anything good enough to talk about here.


Saturday, December 1, 2012

All things me.

Since this blog is solely for me, and solely about me I'm going to try my best to introduce you to the girl that is Hanna. I was born on March 29th, on Good Friday at 12:46am. I have a best friend who religiously calls me at 12:46am every year on my birthday and that is just one reason why she is the best friend I could have ever found. I had a wonderful childhood with 2 younger brothers who I still to this day love with all my heart and want the best for in all aspects of their life.  I started playing violin at the age of 3 and a half, and studied under the Suzuki method until I graduated from high school 15 years later. I had moments where I hated it. I felt like I was forced to do it. When it finally became my choice to continue or not I chose to love it and have loved it ever since.

When I was 13, I started in an orchestra which meant more playing and practicing per week. I started to have a lot of neck and back pain but just attributed it to the fact that I was playing more, took some ibuprofen and moved on with my life. I also started playing alto saxophone in the band when I was in 7th grade. My junior year of high schoo, the band took their trip to Disney world. They go every 3 years.  We had a great time, and I really loved being in the band.  We drove all night back home, and the minute we got home, my nana picked me up and we drove to Charlotte so I could audition for the Charlotte Symphony Youth Orchestra. My parents would have took me, but they went to Disney too and were driving home during the day.  Turns out I made the symphony, which meant adding a 3 hour rehearsal to my already busy week.  My neck pain got worse and worse, so I started going to a chiropractor. It seemed to help, or I tried to tell myself it did.  This was into my senior year and I started trying to find a massage therapist. That helped more than anything I had tried before so I got massages twice a week. I did 12 sessions of physical therapy starting on Christmas Eve of my senior year, and started trying to find a spine doctor. I finally found one who believed there was something wrong and this wasn't just in my head. I had a spine MRI and then based on something they saw at the top of my spine, a brain MRI. They found a stage one chiari malformation. I was told most of America has one, it just never presents problems for them. Basically, whenever I play a lot of violin, it just gets pissed off.  The sure fix of it is surgery, but the cons or surgery outweigh the pros in my case. I have shots whenever I need them, but I haven't had any in about 2 years.

I've learned to adjust my life around neck pain, headaches, and hand numbness.  I learned a long time ago that I have to rule it, and try not to let it rule me. There are a lot of times when I could totally just quit living and let the pain win, but at 21, my life has barely started.  If it gets much worse, I will consider surgery, but at this point my choice is to not have a very risky surgery to possibly relieve some headaches no one is even sure is coming from my malformation.